Her Journey Blogs

“Parents wonder why the streams are bitter, when they themselves have poisoned the fountain.”  John Locke

I first read this quote when I was looking for a quote about dysfunction in a family.  I have been around dysfunction for many years.  But I refuse to own someone else’s dysfunction and more than that, I REFUSE to be defined by other’s dysfunction.  But that is a whole ‘nother topic!

What I wanted to write about now is the selfish need for others to create dysfunction in their own lives.  No one’s life is perfect. But what is disheartening is watching a parent create dysfunction out of spite, selfishness and the need to self promote their own need for attention.  And the cost?  The emotional well being of their child – and that is a huge price to be paid to star in your own show!

I have been a parent for 25 + years.  I have made mistakes – more than I care to count.  And the biggest mistakes were made when I was being selfish.  And I honestly feel that as a parent, I had no right to that selfishness.  God entrusted me with my children’s lives for a very short period of time.  And any need that came before theirs should have been put aside and not acted upon.   “Good” kids do not just happen and the majority of “bad” kids do not come from unselfish, selfless parenting.

To the parents needing to create drama and insanity in your own homes for your own “needs”:  The price is insurmountable.  And it isn’t about YOU and whether YOU can afford more dysfunction.  It is about whether your children’s emotional and physical well-being is expendable. Think about it…first.
Deb

“Never be bullied into silence.  Never allow yourself to be made a victim.  Accept no one’s definition of your life; define yourself.” ~Harvey Fierstein

As I mentioned earlier, I dealt with some things this week.  There has been a cycle of dysfunction that I have dealt with for years and years. And many, many times I have felt like I was driving down an emotional mine field – praying while dodging the mines -but knowing sooner or later that I would not be successful.   Living this way is far from healthy.  We all make jokes about dysfunction.  But sadly, it is destructive and can be so incredibly harmful.

My story has a darker side.  An added facet to the dysfunction that I have dealt with for years is the need of these perpetrators to villianize.  They villianize co-workers, relatives, “friends” and neighbors.  The list goes on and on.   They want others to be hated and aren’t satisfied until they succeed in turning good people into hated ones.  They destroy reputations whenever they want and justify the pain they cause others.  It is a sport to them and the pleasure they get from it is unsettling.

It is that unsettling feeling that has been the catalyst to get me away from the insanity.  Dysfunction starts slowing and gradually weaves its way through your life and into your being.  This continuing process makes the dysfunction seem almost normal. It becomes the reality. And I know I stayed way too long, was hurt way too much and was so hated just because of their desire to destroy, to play their game.  And it is this hate factor, this desire to make villains out of the good ones, that takes this past dysfunction and into something so dark and so wrong.  I am not just walking away.  I am running…and praying… as I dodge those mine fields for the last time.

Deb

“A bend in the road is not the end of the road… unless you fail to make the turn.” ~Author Unknown

When I first read this quote, my first thought was “OUCH”!  This makes me wonder why I immediately assumed that I would not have made the turn. I really do not like thinking that I would expect the worse or to think that I wasn’t up for a snag in my plans.  I am usually a pretty positive person.  But the last couple of days, I have allowed some negative energy to cloud (or muddy) my thoughts.

So this quote is going on my mirror so that every morning it is the first thing I see. (Actually, I should put it on my coffeemaker!)   I need to start every day with a reminder to bring my A game no matter what the universe throws my way.

Deb

“The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is that one comes from a strong will, and the other from a strong won’t.” — Henry Ward Beecher

I love this quote!  It makes me think about the times I have wanted to quit at something that was / is really important.  A few times really stand out.  A few times that seemed life or death.  A few times that still scare the hell out of me when I think about life would be like if the results were different.

I think many of us have a strong will. I think a strong will is a trait we are born with or acquire at a very young age and is very much a part of our personality.  But what about a “strong won’t”?  I do not believe we are born with a “strong won’t”.  A “strong won’t” is based on our own personal value system and is our own measurement of morality.   A “strong won’t” can test your value system and can be the difference between doing and doing what is right.

Having a strong will makes us fighters, but it is the “strong won’t” that keeps us fighting.  Simply, a “strong won’t” is a conscience choice.

Deb

For last year’s words belong to last year’s language. And next year’s words await another voice.  And to make an end is to make a beginning. – T.S. Eliot

I love organized.  I love simple.  Therefore, I love quotes.  For me, quotes are a gift from those who have had a deep (usually) thought and figured out how to write it simply while maintaining a meaning which others can relate to.

And speaking of speaking of organized and simple…Last week, I logged on to here after months and months of being away.  I did some maintenance work to the blog, made some administrative changes to the format and spent some time reflecting on how this site started.

Years ago, there was a daytime reality TV show called, Starting Over.   According to Wikipedia, “Starting Over is an American reality TV show that follows the lives of women who are experiencing difficulty in their lives and want to make changes, with the help of life coaches. It was the first reality TV show to be nominated for a Award. Six women at a time work to overcome obstacles and meet personal goals. When it is determined that a woman has met all her goals, she “graduates” from the house and is replaced by a new roommate. On the other hand, if it’s determined that she’s not met her goals, she could be put on probation, or even asked to leave.”

The show made me realize that every woman has a story.  And herjourney.com was born out of the desire to share those stories, that journey.  Several years after inception, Her Journey has moved away from a forum based site and has evolved into a blogging site.  And as this site returns to the basics, the reason it was created – I am looking forward to the journey…

Deb

“Human beings, like plants, grow in the soil of acceptance, not in the atmosphere of rejection” John Powell.

Troy Dunn, The Locator, has gotten some press lately as a guest on The View, The Today Show, and Dr. Phil. The Troy Dunn series, ‘The Locator’, is about his search to reunite people looking for someone they love.  New episodes of The Locator premiere on Saturdays at 9pm EST on the WE Channel.

Troy Dunn, a professional people finder and host of WE TV’s, The Locator recently joined Dr. Phil to share reunion stories.   Troy Dunn has written books, made TV and radio appearances, all in an effort to reunite loved ones who have been separated for some reason.  And after watching Friday’s episode of Dr. Phil, I realized the reasons for the separations can be so selfish and sadly, so damaging and the rejection – heartbreaking.   I watched the show expecting it to be about reunions between siblings. I expected to cry a little, laugh a little and enjoy some fairy tale endings.  I expected to hear some new information on a topic I find interesting, which is the genetic and biological connection we have with our siblings.  But instead, I watched a heart breaking episode filled with the renewed realization of how devastating rejection can be.

In preparation for writing this article, I watched the episode again this morning.  And what struck me the most was the impact – the lifelong impact – that rejection has on someone.  Unless you live a charmed life, you have experienced some sort of rejection. As hurtful as any rejection is, the worst kind would have to be the rejection that a child feels who has been abandoned by a family member, especially a parent.

My heart broke as I listened to Troy Dunn read a letter to a daughter whose mother was found by Troy Dunn.  As he read the letter, a letter written by the mother and filled with self-centered crap, you could see the daughter’s eyes cloud with tears.  As the daughter carefully listened to her mother’s words, her hope for acceptance was washed away by the reality of rejection.  And sadly, no matter what reason that mother gives, nothing will lessen the pain or minimize the unfounded blame that daughter has put on herself.  Way to go “Mom”…

Deb

I have been very blessed to have been able to call 3 women, “Grandma”.  They all were very wonderful, strong women who took their roll of “grandma” very seriously.   And for some reason, they have been on my mind a lot lately.

Did you ever get hit with one of those melancholy moments?  I am not sure why I was hit with one today.  Maybe it is because I have been establishing some habits in my own life that remind me of my grandmothers.  Did you ever have a memory hit you and made you miss something that you had not thought about in years and years?

One of the things that I miss is the sound of a ringing phone.  I mean the real ring of a telephone.  My paternal grandmother had a phone that had a very distinct ring.  Oh, I remember how it was always a welcome interruption in our day.  Her phone had a very distinct sound.  And on those warm summer days that were spent eating green apples, playing beauty salon or fishing in the creek (crick), the ring of the phone was always a much anticipated distraction.  It meant we were a few moments away from hearing a little bit of gossip between my grandma and the person calling, or possibly some words spoken in my grandma’s native language or even a chance to hear her say her favorite saying “wait awhile”.

I miss hearing the ring of that black, heavy, corded phone.   I miss the women I was fortunate enough to call “Grandma”.

Deb

The other night, while I was working on this site, I was half watching a movie on tv – I have seen it before, so I was just letting it play in the background while I was working.

The movie, The Bucket List, directed by Rob Reiner, with Jack Nicholson (Edward) and Morgan Freeman (Carter). It is about two men who are terminally ill and have a list of things they want to do before they die. In one part of the movie, the two main characters – Edward and Carter – have traveled to Egypt and are looking at the pyramids. They discuss that the ancient Egyptians believed you get into Heaven by the answers to two questions:

1) Have you had joy in your life?

2) Have you brought joy to others?

Since the other night, I have been thinking about the two questions. And I keep going back to this: is that all we have to do? Is that it? Are we guaranteed “Heaven” if we can answer “yes” to the two questions. What if the answer is yes – then what about those who have brought pain to some while bringing joy to others. Does it balance out? Do a few rights erase the wrongs? Is there a scoreboard somewhere, a tally sheet that keeps track? It is pretty safe to say that we won’t know until we are at the end.

After a lot of thought, I am thinking that maybe – just maybe – the “bucket list” – isn’t an around-the-world vacation, race car driving, skydiving, climbing the Pyramids, or going on a lion safari in Africa. Maybe the true “bucket list” is a very simple list, attainable by all – and it isn’t materialistic nor does it take a millionaire to finance it. For me, it seems simple, the real “bucket list” is having joy in our lives because we have brought joy to others. That, my dear Carter, is the ultimate to-do list.

So when life’s lights start dimming and I close my eyes for the final time, I really hope and pray that I can answer yes to the question: Have you had joy in your life? Because if I can say yes, then I know that I adhered to my own “bucket list” and brought joy to others.

I hope all of you find the joy in your life…

Deb

I understand that in this age of consumerism, that we are a society that doesn’t hold tight to many things. We have been classified as a throw away society. And if you don’t believe that, just drive down any street in Suburbia, USA the night before trash pick-up. There are dressers, appliances, computer monitors and other items stacked near the trash cans – heading for the dump…or some man’s junk store.

Unfortunately, we are filling the landfills with items that aren’t broken, aren’t ruined – we are filling these dumps with items that only have one fault and that is that they are just not as shiny and not as attractive as the new stuff on the store shelves. They may have a few blemishes and aren’t as perfect as they used to be. Sadly, they are tried and true – but just not good enough…anymore.

So what is my point of this? Is it to lecture the readers on the moral obligation to recycle? Well, I do worry about our “world” and what we are doing to it and how we are leaving it for our children. But actually, the state of our environment isn’t what I have on my mind right now. It is something that goes deeper and is even more unsettling. It is about a trend I have noticed in the recent years. It is the ability to throw away people. It is the disturbing way that we delete people out of our lives.

We are such an instant society now. We can be in contact with anyone, anywhere at any time. We can “Twitter” and follow each other through our world, our cyber world. We can share up to date moments on Facebook via our cell phones. We email wedding invitations and text birthday greetings. And we can reach out to each other whenever we want. But as fast as we can reach out and connect with someone, we can also delete them out of our lives. And sadly, it can be done so easy. A few keystrokes, a block here or there and that person can be cut from your life.

The reasons may vary and some may be very necessary – but I think that since our world is so instant and up to the moment now, we lose the idea of a real forever. We don’t have that sense commitment and responsibility to a relationship as we used to. We don’t have to bother with the downs that follow the ups in our relationships. Why bother? There is always someone else on our friends’ list, another person to email from dating.com, someone else to send an instant message or text. In this throwaway society, we are too quick to hit the delete key. And sadly, our world has become so connected that we have become disconnected from what is actually real, tried and true.

Deb

Another birthday has come and gone. This one wasn’t a huge milestone – just kind of a middle of the road birthday. But big or small, I survived it! I am not implying that I partake in daredevil activities on my birthday, but I do engage in another activity that has caused a lot of anxiety in the past. And that is examining my life, reflecting on where I am, where I have been and where I am trying to go. For me, my birthdays are kind of like New Years but without the champagne (prefer Bushmills), noise makers and fanfare. This year, the tradition of reflecting did include a few regrets, but for the first time in years, the regrets were few and the positive far out measured any negative.

Over the past few years, I have watched the women of Hollywood proclaim that 50 is the new 40, 40 is the new 30 and etc, etc. I am not sure what my assumed age is, but I do know my true age. And as much as I would like to turn back the calendar on physical age about 10 years, I would not want to turn back the calendar on how much I have changed with knowing emotionally and spiritually who I am.

As women, we don’t get to say this much (actually, I don’t think I have ever admitted it ever) but for the first time, I am very comfortable with who I am. Over the years, I have paid my dues, fought some fights, stood up for what I believe in, laughed at what is funny and cried at what moves me. And I have very recently realized that I have reached that point in my life where I can say, hey – I am ok and I like “me”!

Yep, I am still a work in progress, but in this course called life I am making the grade – my own grade. I am doing what I believe in, what I feel is right and not apologizing or making excuses. And when I look in the mirror, I see someone a bit older then last year, a lot older then last decade – but most importantly, the person looking back at me is someone I truly like and respect.

Deb